May 2010
5 posts
3 tags
THE END
So…
Ross ended up with Rachel after all!
IN HEAVEN.
Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
(PS - those weren’t tears. Jack just snuck into my brain and put in the magic island light cork in my brain and water just started pouring out)
2 tags
Jackob, Shepherd of Craphole Island
Well, here we are. One episode left (one 2.5 hour long episode, to be fair). Ben killed Widmore, Miles ducked out, Richard got slammed, FakeLocke got his favorite murderer back onboard, evil Liz Lemon got pointless/dead, Sideways Desmond got the band back together, Regular Desmond got outta the well, Sideways Locke signed up for surgery, Jacob’s Ashes got burned, and Jack got crowned Island...
2 tags
March 2010
1 post
4 tags
February 2010
7 posts
4 tags
Whose Timeline Is It Anyway?
“He’s recruiting.”
The Substitute is the key to understanding the purpose of Timeline X, if not its strange, physiologically-baffling nature. How it was created is a mystery, but why it was created could hardly be clearer. The island sunk in this world, flight 815 did not crash, and everyone’s lives are…different, but similar. What makes them different? In this...
3 tags
3 tags
2 tags
How to Speak LOST
The key to speaking LOST is to take a very simple, basic piece of knowledge (e.g. your age) and, instead of outright saying it, you vaguely hint towards what it might be for years on end for no actual reason. Luckily, no one will ever press you that hard or ever demand actual answers. Here are some simple English-to-LOST translations:
English: “I want to poison your undead friend because...
2 tags
September 2009
2 posts
Season Six Episode Titles
Confirmed
1. LA X (part 1) - Rumored all-centric
2. LA X (part 2) - Rumored all-centric
3. What Kate Does - Kate-centric
4. The Substitute - Rumored Locke-centric
Just like season 1, the first two episodes are one episode split apart, with no real focus on a single character, but the ensemble as a whole. A Kate-centric episode follows, and then Locke. Here are my guesses for the remaining...
Back to the Beginning...
Long-running, serialized shows love doing something with their final season (when they know it’s their final season, at least): go back to the beginning. What that means exactly can vary from show to show. Example: On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, much of the last season surrounded Sunnydale High School, the primary setting for the first three seasons until it was ceremoniously blown up. On top...
May 2009
8 posts
Lost Ended Yesterday
Ben murdered Jacob. Juliet set off the nuke in 1977. These two events are irrevocably connected.
The big question of season 5 was (to me at least) “Why did the Oceanic Six need to return to Craphole Island? What was their destiny?” Certainly there were personal reasons: Jack was a drug-addled mess without his precious island to keep him feeling useful, Kate would always be “on...
Gut Reaction
Lost has a tendency to rip the rug out from under our feet with finales. Season 1 we saw the Others reveal themselves to take Walt, Season 2 blew up the Hatch and revealed the outside world existed (important to note that prior to this, there was much theorizing that the rest of the world was gone), Season 3 brought the flashforward reveal, and Season 4 disappeared Craphole Island.
Now, we have...
LOST
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Evil Crazy LockeSpirit: 1
Jacob: 0
Juliet: 1 Nuke To the Face
The Lost Generation
With the season finale (titled “The Incident”) of season 5 quickly approaching, we are left with a dilemma: there is only one season of Lost left, one that will be filled with answers and closure to one of the greatest television shows ever. And we are a lucky generation to live in the era of Lost. A lot of people are going to discover this show for the first time 5, 10, 20 years from...
April 2009
6 posts
This is the Endor
Pierre Chang (AKA Marvin Candle AKA Martin Wick AKA Edgar Halliwax) is not a cool dude. In fact, he’s a bit of a douchebag. He thinks DHARMA’s experiments on Hydra Island are bullshit, he abandons his family (or does he save them?), and he goes by different names for no conceivable reason. Also, at some point he loses an arm. During the construction of The Orchid or The Swan no doubt....
Quickie Theories
Locke has on a pair of Christian’s dress shoes. The only part of Christian’s burial outfit that did not belong to him were his shoes. He wore a pair of white sneakers. Christian changed from his burial suit to the buttoned-up dark shirt and slacks upon taking over Jacob’s cabin.
ChristianSpirit has not yet spoken a word to Jack since coming into existence, yet has spoken to...
Richard Alpert - Egyptian
Richard Alpert was an Egyptian priest or pharoah when he came to Craphole Island. Also, he was dead. Mummified. But he awoke when he entered Craphole Island…much as Locke has. Re-born…which explains the Anubis worship a bit more. And the whole unaging immortal thing.
Also, Richard Alpert’s initials are R and A. RA. Ra is the Egyptian god of the sun. Hmmm…
Blog Like An Egyptian
The Egyptian civilization is more interesting than possibly any other in recorded history. From their unbelievable feats of architecture and art, their legendary pyramids, heiroglyphics, and customs have produced a number of theories that, while not always plausible, often carry enough backing to at least be considered. Many have suggested aliens guided Egypt through the construction of several...
What Just Happened? Happened.
Benjamin Linus is easily the most fascinating character on Craphole Island - but part 2 of his segment of Craphole Origins: Benjamin Linus was both disappointing and brilliant at the same time: brilliant in its characterizations, relationships, and a few twists, but disappointing in its failure to do anything interesting with any of Ben’s flashbacks.
Flashback 1: As OtherHoncho Charles...
February 2009
7 posts
Christian-ity
ChristianSpirit - as far as we know him - has always done right by the castaways. He led Jack to fresh water. He helped Locke at the Frozen Donkey Wheel (as much as he could, at least…). He (may) be shielding Claire (or ClaireSpirit) from harm (or some unknown purpose).
He also wants to bring the Oceanic Six (plus one Desmond) back to Craphole Island…but for a greater purpose. The...
Knocked Up 2.0
A slight amendment to the dealings with pregnancies on Craphole Island:
I said that spirits cannot be “created” on the island, due to whatever force shields it from the outside world. That is true. So when babies are conceived on island, the fetus grows with no spirit…in other words, it’s an “empty vessel!”
Older spirits try to force themselves into these...
Knocked Up
One thing that I’ve wondered for a while…why do pregnant women die on Craphole Island? And why was Claire able to give birth?
I’ve kinda thought the entire plotline was introduced (via Juliet/Ben) to explain why Claire was kidnapped back in season 1 (before the writers knew exactly where all of this was going). But I think they may have made “explaining why Claire got...
Smokezilla
The Smoke Monster is probably one of the final mysteries we’ll get a legitimate answer to on Lost, which is unfortunate. What’s also unfortunate is that it really can’t be too satisfying, given it’s clear that the writers didn’t have Smokey worked out when it appeared in the pilot.
So what is Smokey? An instrument of fate, killing those who interfere with destiny...
Charlie Hume
Desmond named his son Charlie in honor of his fellow United Kingdomite, whose fatal fate he could not prevent, but whose sacrifice led to the reunion of Desmond and his lady love Penny.
And now time travel seems to be more integral to the show than ever imagined, as those left behind on Craphole Island have become “unstuck” in time. Judging by the opening scene from this season...
Watch“So It Begins”
Empty Vessels
Christian Shephard was not in his coffin when Jack opened it on the island. This is a bigger mystery than it gets credit for, often forgotten as a “huh, that’s odd” moment in the midst of Jack becoming a leader early in season 1. I hadn’t thought about it much either - until Christian, or someone looking an awful lot like Christian - showed up sitting Jacob’s rocker....